A game by any other name - An Obligatory Bioshock Infinite Rant

Bioshock, Yay!

Do you remember that Mario movie they made back in the 90's? Remember how everyone ranted about how terrible it was? Well, it wasn't that it was a terrible movie, in my opinion, it was a great movie. It was just a terrible Mario movie. It had all the makings of a well paced action flick, awesome special effects, and decent (questionable) acting. If they had called it anything other than Mario Bros, it probably wouldn't get all the crap that it gets today. It would probably still be seen as solid film. Now, just hear me out before you start going all bat-shit in my comments, I want to say that I feel similarly about Bioshock Infinite. It's not a bad game, in fact, it's a really REALLY good game. It's got great gameplay mechanics, great imagery, a decent enough story, and sure it's got the elements to be called a Bioshock game. It's definitely game-of-the-year material, there's no doubt about that. So, I'm not putting the game down at all, I really enjoyed it and recommend it, but there are a couple of things I want to talk about...

So now where to start? How might I go about this without providing any spoilers? I'll try my best to not spoil anything by skirting around topics and...well, maybe just to be on the safe side: THERE WILL BE SPOILERS. Stop reading now if you're super-sensitive crazy type that loses their shit at the hint of a spoiler. Turn away now. This is your last warning. I'm serious. Still with me? Alright, let's get on with it then.

Pictured: Fan's response to first hearing about Bioshock Infinite after having played Bioshock 2.

Am I the only one that needed a shower after learning the relationship of Booker and Elizabeth? So there you are, playing as Booker, escorting Elizabeth around. What started as a mission to pay off a 'debt' became a struggle to protect her at any cost. Half way through, I started to think (because the story hadn't been spoiled for me yet), "Wow, a strong female character, and an even stronger male character. And he's doing anything he can to protect her! How romantic!" Then the twist happened and I was like "Oh..." (Poker face). "Well, this is embarrassing." I mean, at least it wasn't like that one (spoiler) Korean Film.
In that movie, the damage had already been done, that dude was fucked (no pun intended) either way. In this game? They cut it just short of reaching THAT point. (perhaps too risque for a AA title?) I seriously don't know how I didn't see it coming. Ugh. Maybe it didn't turn out that way because Elizabeth already knew? Or, I don't know, I don't want to think about it anymore.

"A merger of machine and man, that was the 

lesser of man yet the greater of both parties."

"That's what she said..." 

Speaking of character relations, a friend of mine on facebook questioned whether or not Elizabeth was engaging in solo-sexy-time up in that tower of hers. To which I replied with 'giant robot bird cock'. We have strange (fun) senses of humour over there on the facebooks. Don't judge me! The internet could use more robot dickings. But I digress.

So, yes, back to the topics that are canon to the game.
What are the other issues? Well, as another reviewer pointed out, the vigors had no other use than making Bioshock, well, a Bioshock game. They served no purpose for anything other than combat, and you didn't really need them anyways. Not really. Another thing that I think they could have improved on was the usability of the tears. I mean, you have dimension ripping powers, and you used it to what? Conjure cover for battle scenarios. That's it. There was SO much missed potential there! They could have pushed the envelope further with the gameplay but they underwhelmed by playing it safe and limiting the use of tears.

And what of the blaring plot holes? Without going into the whole multidimensional/time travel stuff, I mean, if Elizabeth got out of the tower and was able to use her powers, why didn't they just escape to Paris? SHE OPENED A FUCKING TEAR TO PARIS. (See pic below, which I'm going to lovingly call 'Game Logic')

Seriously, let's go watch French Star Wars right fucking now!

I guess the game might have been way too short if it were that easy. But it could have been an option, I'm just sayin'. Multiple endings could have been a very awesome thing with this game, especially given all the different dimensions, conditions, and other crazy influencing factors.

So here's another question; Was I the only one that thought that the whole zombie ghost part was completely unnecessary? No? Okay, let's repeat this once more before I continue (it's a buffer), I think Bioshock infinite is a GREAT GAME. But...I do feel like the creators might have been fan-pandering a bit. Not to Bioshock fans, but to fans of popular sci-fi media in general. Let's see, what's popular right now? Time travel? Check. Steampunk? Check! What else? "I know, let's throw in some zombies for good measure!" That was probably my least favorite part of the entire game. That whole thing didn't need to happen. And in an entire game with no boss battles, why decide to throw one in right there? It makes me think that maybe the developers and their artists came up with the concept of the siren and didn't know how to fit it in to the story/environment, so they just made something up because they didn't want to scrap their idea. That's what it felt like anyways. It just didn't fit well with the game or story as a cohesive whole.

Google "fancy pineapple"

Earlier I was reading this article about unanswered questions in the game and wanted to point out in particular the pineapple thing. You see, it's not just because the pineapple is full of delicious nutrients to keep your health up that they're so plentiful, it's because back in old-timey days, Pineapples were considered a luxury item denoting wealth and prestige. Back then a pineapple could cost hundreds of dollars because they had to be imported. People would even rent a pineapple for dinner parties and not eat it, just have it there to show off how much stupid money they had. It's a cultural thing I think. A nice little detail they added to the game to show just how indulgently spoiled the rich white folk of Columbia were. Probably to make you despise them even more, but it seems that went over a lot of heads and the point was totally missed by most players. Just wanted to throw that out there.

Those are my main gripes about Bioshock Infinite for now. I don't know if there will be more, probably not since the game is AMAZING. Seriously, I can't recommend this game enough. It is fun and totally worth even a second play through just to explore some more and maybe pick up things that you might have missed on your first play through. There's so much to look at, it's a beautiful game. Even if you watch someone else play it, it's still completely captivating. The good things definitely outnumber the small details, and why are you still reading this and not playing Bioshock Infinite right now?

-Mel